I’ve finally mastered walking up the stairs without getting teary. It’s been a month. Now when I see my college daughter’s sparkling clean room, I don’t feel so empty. I still miss her messy room (with her in it), but it’s getting better. My son has taken over his sister’s bedroom desk and bathroom since she’s left home. I’ve found it surprisingly reassuring to see her room used and I’ve wondered too if he’s comforted by being in her space and feeling her presence in her belongings and pictures.

My daughter started to prepare to leave for college at the beginning of her senior year over a year ago.  She began doing her own laundry, making her own lunches, and she was certainly driving herself around everywhere. She then spent all summer color coordinating her room with her high school friend and soon-to-be roommate. Endlessly going to store after store to find the perfect accessory for each nook and cranny for her dorm room. She worked all summer, two jobs, and saved her money. She spent a lot of hours preparing for her big move and new adventure. I fought tears, off and on, when I caught a few of these moments and yet I was so proud to see how she was taking responsibility and getting prepared. And while I know she is ready, it’s still been hard to see her go.  

My daughter has this brand new exciting life that she is creating, but I must contend with letting go of a part of me and my life as I know it. I still have two teenagers at home, but I’m beginning to see how my life is going to change when everyone is out of the house. Even having one less person around has been different. More quiet. I still don’t know if we should leave her chair at the dinner table or remove it altogether?! The first night she was gone, I set the table in her space and texted her a photo and said we missed her. The next week, I moved the chair to another room but everyone kept asking, where’s the chair?! I brought it back but now we tend to sit in different chairs each night. Tonight I ate standing up as I put away dishes and cleaned the kitchen while we ate and talked. It doesn’t feel normal yet.

There have been moments that have surprised me – the maturity she showed after breaking up with a boyfriend, tweeting, “even though we weren’t meant to be, I’m so incredibly thankful for all [of] the memories with you and for a mature breakup”. How good is that?! The wisdom! If I had only been so wise about boys at 17! Actually, scratch that – if only I was so wise about boys – now! 

I realize that my life and purpose as a mom is changing. I know (hope) she’ll still need me but I realize too that our relationship is transforming whether I am ready for it or not. She’s an adult now and it’s no longer my job to say do this and do that. I’m still struggling to find the balance. Knowing she has two big exams this week, I texted her to not hesitate to pass on doing things with friends, “school is number 1,” but later recanted texting “I know you’re working hard, I love you, xoxo”. It’s also a great opportunity to create something new for me and maybe take up a new hobby, but I’m still finding my way there too. For now, I just want to curl up on her bed and enjoy some reading, trying not to miss her so much.